Answers to Family QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!

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MonMondayJanJanuary7th2013 Encouraging Words for Moms Who Need to Work
Posted Monday, January 07 2013 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Working Moms Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

What encouraging words could you give to single moms or mothers who need to work because of financial difficulty? I took your class and learned so much, but I want to also encourage single moms and working mothers. I would like to teach this curriculum one day to working moms.

Dear Friend of Moms Who Need to Work,

The population of single mothers is growing rapidly! The U.S. Census Bureau states that 3.7 million (38%) of women who gave birth in 2010 were single mothers (due largely to the rise in births outside of marriage rather than divorce). In 2008 this number was 1.5 million women. The vast majority of these mothers will necessarily become heads of household. It can be overwhelming to not only take on the additional roles of “husband and father” but also to work outside the home, likely full-time. It has been recently stated that 40% of these families live at or near the poverty level. The implications of single parenting and the hardships these parents face can be quite disheartening.

Many single mothers, however, have found ways to be very resourceful. Our website contains a series of articles by one such single mother (of six) who worked part-time on our staff. It is called “The Biggest Loser – One Mother’s Journey of Hope through Devastating Loss.”  The author describes many of the losses and needs single-parent families endure.

As in this story, women are often creative and innovative about their working situations as to protect as much family time as possible. Some may work at their children’s schools so as to keep the same hours. Others may find ways to work out of their homes or during school hours. Obviously, the children learn to pitch in and help Mom with daily tasks and responsibilities. Also, trusted neighbors, family members, churches, ministries and other charitable organizations can provide much-needed resources and help.

While it is far more difficult to maintain family unity for single mothers, it is certainly not impossible. An important goal for any mother—working or not, single or married—is to make some personal commitments that enable her to prioritize her children and family life. I refer to these special personal and biblical convictions as “non-negotiables.”  You may read further about this concept on our website articles and in the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart book (chapters 3, 4 and 6).

Some examples of these non-negotiables might be:
  • Having dinner together every night or a special Sunday meal together
  • Keeping a special bed-time routine with the children
  • Prioritizing church or youth program attendance
  • Having a routine family devotional time or designated family chat time
  • Committing to a daily personal devotional and prayer time
These are merely suggestions, but they offer routine, consistency and order to home life. They give the family something to regularly look forward to, something to count on, and some special time with Mom. Life may be rushed, overwhelming and even chaotic at times, so choose just 5-7 non-negotiables for the current season of life and your family will begin to experience more stability, inter-connection and spiritual strength. Avoid work situations that conflict with your non-negotiables and trust the Lord for job opportunities that allow you keep these priorities. (You also want to be sure to get enough sleep!!)

As far as married mothers who must work the goal is to always keep our priorities of God and family first. Again, follow the previously designated guidelines and create non-negotiables that will protect you and your family. Outside work can easily overtake your time and energy to the point something has to give and it is usually our connection, awareness and sensitivity to our families. In addition, women tend to be sacrificial by nature and will make sure everyone else has what they need to the detriment of themselves. Regular evaluation of how Mom’s precious hours of the day are spent should take place between husband and wife.

Leading, providing, protecting, and loving are the biblical roles of the husband. The wife’s roles are supportive and only in extreme and temporary situations should she assume her husband’s primary roles because he is unable to meet them. Often women speak of career goals or pursuing a life-long career. This may be possible with one child and very limited hours. But once two or more children enter the family dynamics, life is exponentially more complicated and taxing for the working mother.

I so appreciate your heart for working mothers and your desire to serve them. We do hear many wonderful stories through our Entrusted Ministries Mom’s Program of women who have ministered to one another in various ways. Each of us needs to be looking for ways to support and encourage mothers, especially single-mother families who cross our paths.

God bless you as you seek to serve those in your sphere of influence,
FriFridayNovNovember16th2012 Staying Home -- Biblical Conviction or Personal Preference?
Posted Friday, November 16 2012 @ 12 PM byBetsy Corning Tagged Biblical Convictions Order/ Priorities Working Moms Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

Is staying at home with your children a biblical conviction, personal conviction or personal preference? I feel a burden to help encourage moms to stay at home, especially when they have infants and toddlers. But even Christians tell me that this decision is not for everyone, and that God's will for mothers is different for everyone.

Of course, I realize that some moms cannot avoid working -- such as single moms, but I'm referring to married couples with husbands that have jobs that meet the needs of the family.

Please help,
Mom of Conviction

Dear Mom of Conviction,

Let me say first of all, that I love your resolute passion to remain where you are best able to fulfill your God-given roles as wife and mother.

A sad commentary on our society today—and historically for that matter—is that people tend to do what is culturally acceptable or what they view as the “norm.” Therefore people shift from living under biblical authority to “doing what is right in their own eyes” (Judges 17:6). It is relativism in its most destructive form because it challenges God’s authority with one’s own desires (or reasoning).

I often have people ask whether “this or that” is a biblical conviction (as if what I think means anything or that they should follow what I think). It is to God and His Word that we are to submit ourselves. If we do not submit ourselves to God or see Him as our Authority, we will not see His Word as authoritative for our lives and will, therefore, view biblical principles and commands as optional. We must begin with a desire to obey our God.

Is staying home with your children a biblical conviction? Yes. The Lord has entrusted us with the care and nurture of our children, to raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:6-7; Proverbs 13:24; 22:6; 29:15; Ephesians 6:4). We cannot do this if we are not with them.

Can we pursue outside endeavors? Yes, to a point—as long as they do not compromise the biblical conviction of priority within the home. Are people going to agree with you about this? Not necessarily. But we are to live out our convictions before the Lord regardless of how others view them.

“Outside pursuits” may include a myriad of things, some of which may best be pursued in a season of life when our children are not so dependent upon us. Such things, when not in conflict with our roles as wives and mothers, are matters of personal conviction, and should not be crusaded as matters of freedom but of conscience.

Although I have pursued some endeavors in my life, I have yet to come into a season in which my husband, children or grandchildren did not take precedence over such things.

Again, I want to encourage you in your steadfast desire to follow the Lord and to give your children the best of your time and energy. Your family will be blessed both now and in the long run because of your faithfulness and devotion.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Trust the Lord and keep true to your convictions.


FriFridayOctOctober12th2012 Child Favors Dad
Posted Friday, October 12 2012 @ 10 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipline Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I am a young mom with two boys (ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2). My youngest son seems to favor and absolutely adore my husband which has begun to bother me. I am aware that I need to not take his preference personally, but it still hurts me if I am being completely honest. But besides my hurt feelings, I am concerned and bothered by it because it has started to affect the way I discipline him. I am constantly questioning whether I should have enforced something (i.e. having him clean up his toys) because I wonder that if I don't have his heart first, he will just hate me and distance himself more from me.

On top of that, he has a stronger, more stubborn personality than my oldest son and is more vocal when he doesn't get his way so that usually means there is more correction involved with him. I stay at home with him and my husband is often busy at work so I usually end up being the one disciplining him the most.

Is there anything I could do to help with this preference thing and is there any advice you can give me about how to handle him in light of not wanting to distance him more from me? Thank you so much for your ministry!!!


Dear Young Mom

These are normal experiences and feelings for young mothers. We spend all day with our young children and then when Dad comes home, they show sheer delight and exhilaration at his arrival.

But here is where you need to be careful. Do not treat your children differently whether during discipline or with your attitude. Your discipline should not be gauged by your emotional state and certainly not in an attempt to manipulate your child’s affections towards you. This can work either way—by disciplining too harshly and “taking your frustrations out on him” or being too lenient because you wish to win his favor. Neither is appropriate discipline. Be careful not to let your training of your child be overly influenced by your feelings or you will likely not achieve the long-term result you hope. By the same token, if your feelings dictate your responses toward him, your discipline will be inconsistent and confusing for your child.

Always be kind and understanding toward your children and when they need to pick up their toys, they need to obey. Disobedience results in discipline. But you can also teach your children to choose obedience rather than having to react to disobedience. They are old enough to be learning this and when they make the connection, it’s a beautiful thing. Your children need to learn to submit their wills to you at this age. And when Dad is present, he should be backing you up to your children. In other words, when you ask your son to pick up his blocks, Dad should be watching to make sure that he obeys. Dad should also be involved in disciplining the boys so that they grow up knowing that Mom and Dad are united in their parenting and they cannot play you against each other.

As far as your son’s response to your husband, be happy and encourage it. Strong relationships between fathers and sons need to be nurtured. Speak highly of their daddy when he is at work and do not begrudge the joy he receives from their affections and attentions. And your husband will do the same for you. After all, when one of your little ones wakes up in the middle of the night not feeling well, it is likely Momma that they will want and no one else will do.
MonMondayAugAugust6th2012 How can I encourage my husband to lead our family?
Posted Monday, August 06 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Marriage Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

What should I do about a husband who is preoccupied with work? Even when he is at home, he is still busy with many "to do's." Relationships are not "tended to," and relational or spiritual concerns do not seem to be important. He says he has no time to be shepherding us beyond providing the food, clothing, and protection of a home.

I am thankful for these things, and yet that is not all there is to family health. He reminds me that he is not perfect (I remind him I know that neither of us are) and that I have to remember how hard he works for us.

Any suggestions on how NOT to become a dripping faucet while at the same time help him see that we are starving spiritually and relationally and becoming exasperated? He doesn't seem to see that working on these areas are important for healthy family relationships despite my appeals. I feel that I am judged as "too emotional" and "off track" about the needs in this family.

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your question—we appreciate your honesty. Please know that you are not alone. The number one question we get from women (in some form) is, “How can I change my husband?” Ultimately, only the Holy Spirit can change a person’s heart and open their eyes to the needs within their own family. If you focus too much on your husband's need to change, you will find yourself discontent and discouraged.

Remember that every trial and testing of your faith is ultimately from God to sanctify us. Once we decide our lives are about glorifying God rather than achieving an ideal, we can let go of the striving and trust that the Lord is sovereign over all of our circumstances.

On a practical level:

  1. Pray diligently for your husband that the Lord would work in his life in these areas without you having to point them out. Your prayers shouldn’t really even be focusing on his weaknesses but rather ask that the Lord’s will be done in your lives.
  2. Work on oneness. Communication is essential to any good relationship and clearly this is one of the areas that has broken down. In the Entrusted book (chapters 4 & 5), we talk about living in Understanding & Agreement with each other as husband and wife and learning how to live by biblical priorities. If your husband is willing to read the book together with you and answer the questions at the end of each chapter, I believe you could make a lot of progress toward oneness.
  3. Look for practical ways to demonstrate that you are “for him,” which will lessen the tension between you and draw you closer together.
  4. Build up your husband to your children. Be sure that you demonstrate respect to him even when it’s difficult.
I understand these things are hard and they don’t turn around in a day. They take a lot of practice, patience, prayer and perseverance but don’t lose heart!


Galatians 6:9, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”
FriFridayJulJuly20th2012 How Do I Help My Unbelieving Adult Daughter?
Posted Friday, July 20 2012 @ 8 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipline 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I am so concerned for my daughter who is a non-believer. She is so uptight with my grandson; my son-in-law takes a very passive role in parenting. There is a lot of yelling, threats, and punishments. How do I help?

Dear Concerned,

Unfortunately, she is not going to be able to change her voice without the Lord first changing her heart. Sadly people don’t realize the damage they are doing with angry, harsh words and threats. This is sad for both the mother and child because the mother (your daughter) is obviously hurting too!

One suggestion: The Entrusted Book contains a chapter entitled, "Words that Edify"—if you think it is something that she might be willing to read. It is important that she does not feel judgment or condemnation, so sometimes these things are more easily heard coming from an outside, objective voice.

Another important chapter in Entrusted discusses the significance of a mother’s role. She may not realize the magnitude of a Mother’s Touch (or voice, for that matter) on the life of a child. Just reading about the tremendous potential for good may serve as a wake-up call or inspiration in her life.

Again, this will take a major heart change—which, of course, only the Holy Spirit can accomplish. Therefore, prayer is your most powerful weapon on her behalf. Also, your model of Christ-like love and grace in the presence of both your daughter and her son, can’t help but make an impression over time.

Remember, God is always working, even when we can’t see it! (John 5:17)

May the Lord bless your family,
FriFridayMayMay25th2012 What can I do about son's shyness that leads to rudeness?
Posted Friday, May 25 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipline Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

We have a 3 year old who has recently started a very rude behavior that we are not sure how to stop. When we are around others -- both new and familiar -- he will put his hand up and tell them to "stop looking at me" or "don't talk to me." We have talked a lot about how the emotions are okay to feel, but that we still need to be kind and acknowledge people with a polite "Hello" or an appropriate response to something they have said or asked him. Even before we had our friends over the other evening, I spent all day preparing him that they would be coming and that we expect him to be kind and polite, and still he acted very rude (telling them to not look at him, running away, not responding when they talked to him). We would appreciate your wisdom in this!

Thank you very much!
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

It is disheartening—sometimes even embarrassing—when our children act up in front of guests and friends. This behavior in a three-year-old is somewhat more understandable as very young children still think they can choose between proper behavior (obedience) and whatever action pleases them at the moment. If unchecked, these behaviors quickly become manipulative and defiant when the child is fully aware of what he should do and refuses to do it.

As you are training your child, you are teaching them that if they choose defiance or disobedience, they are choosing the consequence that follows. On the other hand, they can choose to obey and receive the blessing from that choice. When we train our children to obey, rather than merely reacting to disobedience, life becomes so much more pleasant for all concerned! Right now you find yourself in the early stage where your little one still believes he can behave however he chooses. Your job (and privilege) is to train him to make the obedient choice. Remember, it is a process, so be patient as your child learns from your consistency and persistence.

Begin, as it sounds like you have, by teaching him how to respond properly to people when you are not actually in a “situation.” Role-play and review several times a day the action you are attempting to achieve. For example, "When Momma speaks to you, look at my eyes.” “When I speak to you, answer me.” “Say, hello, thank-you, etc." Teach him some simple manners that he can successfully achieve.

Work on these even when he is tired or out of his usual element so that he begins to generalize the behavior and obey in any situation. When you first begin this, you may need to direct his attention away from what he is doing. When you give him a directive, follow it with, "Now listen and obey." This familiar prompt will bring him to the present task and help him respond. It may even help to say, "Obey Mommy, all the way, right away and with a happy heart."

Shyness may seem cute at first, but it really becomes impolite or manipulative behavior if not addressed and corrected. Many kids will act shy at some stage (key word "act") but they can learn to respond politely. "Shyness" is not an excuse to disobey. Actual inability to engage with people is a different issue and not the case here.

If you find that he refuses to obey these simple requests when you are in an actual situation, lift him up, hold him close and speak gently in his ear, "Listen and obey." Then repeat your request as you hold him. If he answers obediently, say, "Thank you " or "Good job." If not, continue to hold him and speak gently yet firmly in his ear, "Mommy said, to say hello. You say, 'Okay, Mommy.' Now you say,  'Hello' to our guests. You don't need to press it further while your guests are there but if he continues to disobey, you will need to take further disciplinary action as outlined in Chapter 9 of Entrusted with a Child's Heart (book format) and in Lesson 11 of the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart Notebook.

Your son will learn that he needs to obey and that you will call him out for improper behavior. Very likely you will soon see him obeying your training. Be consistent. My husband often says, "You achieve what you emphasize.” Enjoy the learning and training process and he will engage with you!

May the Lord give you success!
FriFridayMarMarch9th2012 Help for a Child Acting Aggressively?
Posted Friday, March 09 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipline Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I took Entrusted last year and was so blessed by it! I have a three-year old son, who is very strong-willed, and also the most fun-loving, creative child. We are dealing lately with him being aggressive towards other children…hitting, shoving, etc…  He has a lot of trouble with self-control and when he is in a situation where things are not going his way, he will shove or hit.

My husband and I are spanking for this when we see it, as well as if we hear a report after children’s church or Bible study that he has done this in a classroom. It seems like we have not seen much progress in this over the past few months. Sometimes I feel so discouraged and don’t want to take my son out for play dates, because I don’t want him to bully other kids, and frankly sometimes I feel like a bad parent, when other parents see his aggressive behavior and don’t understand, because their child’s an “angel." :) Do you have any suggestions for us?

Seeking wisdom…

Dear Seeking,

Some children are more strong-willed while others have a more compliant temperament. If your child has an especially strong will, he will need consistent training (in obedience) and discipline (correction for disobedience). As parents of a child with this type of temperament, you will also need an extra measure of perseverance so that he learns to submit his will to yours (and ultimately to the Lord).

It sounds as if you are doing many of the appropriate things so the answer may be perseverance. I often tell young mothers that there is a mathematical formula for just how often you must repeat the same response to disobedience.

In this formula, “X” will represent the number of times that your child exerts their will over yours (in cases of Defiance/Disobedience/Danger). “Y” will represent the number of times you need to be willing to respond with discipline and the Full Circle (Entrusted with a Child’s Heart pp. 210-212, 249.) You must be willing to respond with Y one more time than he is willing to do X.  That means he has submitted his will to yours and no longer attempts to defy you in this particular behavior. So the formula could look like this:

Y >  X

(This concept is explained further in Entrusted with a Child’s Heart on pp. 284-285.)

When a child learns that you will consistently respond to his disobedience in a specific way, he will eventually learn that this behavior is no longer “working.” He will learn that if he engages in this behavior 5 times, Mom and Dad will respond with discipline and the full circle 5 times (or more if necessary). If you are persistent, the child will eventually get the picture and submit his will. Obviously, this takes a great deal of intentional parenting. And yes, it is easy to become discouraged when you don’t see progress over time. But take heart according to Galatians 6:9!

You might want to address this at other times, when you are not in the “heat of the moment” and role-play a bit with them. This can be very helpful if you (and your child) are beginning to feel like you are often in a disciplinary mode. Be willing to take all the time it takes to truly teach and instruct him about the idea of the choices he is making (shoving, for instance), as opposed to the “right choice” (wait his turn, or share, for instance). Teach him how to respond appropriately — with good manners and kindness — be sure to praise his efforts, and rewind the day at bedtime with “The Story of Today” (see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart p. 272).

Also talk with your child and ask him why he is doing these things. One little child I know got in trouble at a play date for hitting another child. When his mother was helping him get into his pajamas that evening she noticed a full set of teeth marks in his shoulder. This was hours later! But no one had asked him why he hit the other child and he never mentioned it. Aggressive behavior must always be addressed but sometimes we fail to get the full story.

If you observe that your child is acting aggressively, do your part to give him the best possible scenario for success. In other words, is he rested, fed, and feeling secure in the situation? For how long and how often is he in this environment? What conditions overwhelm or exasperate him and how can you minimize them? Is he observing/learning aggressive behavior in any other context? While we don’t want to “excuse” aggressive behavior, we do need to be considerate of what our children can handle according to their level of maturity.

You must work diligently with your son so that these behaviors are managed. But let me encourage you that your hard work will surely be rewarded not only now but also in the future. A child with a strong will can go completely haywire as an adult if his will is left unchecked. But by the same token, if through diligent parenting they have learned the discipline of self-control, they can become exceptional adults who can accomplish much for the Lord.

“These words which I am commanding you today shall be on your hearts. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”  Deuteronomy 6:7

“In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23

For further discussion on this, you might also refer to the recent post by a mother whose child started ”swatting.”  It takes more than words to train our children; it takes time, energy, work, and sacrifice…  but it is all worth it!

Press on, dear one.
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