Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!

Your Questions - Entries written by Betsy Corning

FriFridayFebFebruary24th2012

How to Discipline a Toddler Who Is Swatting at Others?

Posted Friday, February 24 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipline Toddlers 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

My daughter who turned two this week has recently started occasionally taking her hand and swatting me, or her older brothers in the face when she doesn’t get her way. This is out of character for her because she has a kind, loving, easy-going demeanor. I am in the Entrusted study currently and I felt that in our home I should spank her for this. Is spanking a good discipline choice for this face swatting issue for when we are in private? Also, she swatted me once in the grocery store this week and by the time we were in the car, it was already 15 minutes after the incident so I didn’t know the best way to discipline at that point since it was long after her behavior problem. What do you suggest if she does it again in public?

All for Him!

Dear All for Him:

Young children will try some outlandish, willful behaviors as they are growing up — especially if they can get away with them. Our job as parents who are entrusted with the care and training of these little ones is to identify the source of these behaviors:

Immaturity or ignorance in need of instruction
Defiance or willful behavior in need of discipline and correction, or
Emotions in need of proper perspective, admonition, exhortation, or encouragement.

Thankfully, you recognize the behavior for what it is: wanting to have her own way, rather than submitting her will. Therefore, it is her will that needs to be addressed (corrected/disciplined) but since she is so young she is also demonstrating her immaturity in not fully understanding that swatting someone in the face is not acceptable behavior. (Though the responses/reactions she receives from those she swats no likely delivers that message!)

So let’s first address training her mind so that she “knows better” and then secondly, address her willful behavior so that she learns to humbly submit her will to choosing the appropriate behavior. Here’s a possible way to train her in these areas: (Keep in mind that this recommendation is for a two year-old. An older child who already “knows better” should be dealt with according to their willfulness/defiance with discipline. And even as soon as she has this understanding, discipline is the appropriate response).

When she attempts to swat, calmly but firmly take hold of her hands placing them down to her sides or in her lap as you continue to hold them and say, “No swatting/slapping.” Continue to hold her hands until she relaxes even if she begins to get defiant. Wait her out until she submits then release her hands and repeat, “Momma said, no swatting.” Have her respond, “Ok, momma.” If she refuses, wait her out calmly until she gives you the proper response. When she says, “Ok, Momma” then give her a hug and say, “all done.” This correction also works well in public situations.

Keep your directions simple, concise and repetitive so that she learns how you will respond to this behavior and what you expect from her. And so importantly, be consistent should the swatting behavior recur. Also, when she is in a carefree, easy-going mode as you describe her, reinforce this training by teaching her to sit properly or to make requests appropriately. Praise her when she makes “right choices” by saying something like, “You are sitting nicely, thank you. You are making a right choice.”

If she falls back to her old pattern of swatting (after all, training is a process), inform her that she can make the right choice giving her the opportunity to obey before you have to respond in discipline. You might tell her that if she makes the wrong choice, she will get a spank. Be sure to follow through with the “full-circle” as instructed in Entrusted with a Child's Heart (pp. 210-212, 249), so that she will understand that there are consequences to disobedient or defiant behavior and so that your training will be effective.

Also, talk to her about being “soft/gentle” with people, pets, special things and how we are careful, loving and respectful to people; that swatting is not loving or gentle.

It is wise to help your child generalize this training to other areas of behavior. For example, it is good training to teach our children to sit without grabbing, poking, and other unacceptable behaviors, not just swatting. To train them to sit with their hands in their laps or folded will eliminate potential problems. My daughter, who has four children, all close in age, not to mention proximity, were tempted to “pick or poke” as siblings are prone to do. She would often say, while walking for instance, “hands in pockets,” and they would walk nicely in a line. Or while riding in the car, she would instruct “hands in laps” when they got antsy.

Blessings to you as you teach your daughter to humble herself to your training and to treat people with gentle kindness.

FriFridayFebFebruary17th2012

Dating Relationships

Posted Friday, February 17 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Personal Convictions Your Questions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

We have a 17 year old teen who has asked to start dating. The boy she likes is very nice, but she is unsure if he is a Christian. She argues that it is hard to have in-depth conversations if she’s never alone with him, but we are reluctant to give her the OK to go out with him if we don’t know if he’s a believer or not. What do you suggest?
- Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned,

When your daughter reaches the age that you determine as fitting for her to date; be sure that you have also established clear delineations for dating, such as “how often," “how late,” “with whom” and so forth.

The “with whom” part is extremely important not only for the obvious immediate impact and implications on your daughter’s life but also for her future. Therefore, whether you hold the conviction that “dating is for the purpose of choosing a mate” (meaning that every suitor is evaluated as a potential spouse) or you hold the conviction that “dating is a testing ground for various relationships that eventually lead to choosing a spouse,” you want to have clear guidelines to keep your teen’s relational ship from succumbing to the heavy emotional waves that are sure to come during these dating years.

Certainly we want the best for our children, and as parents we are often the best objective voice of reason to them. We cannot place particular boundaries around their emotions but we can and must place guidelines and boundaries around their choices. They need to know that we have their optimal benefit in mind and to seek your approval before their heart engages in a relationship that you do not approve.

The Scriptures tell us (2 Corinthians 6:14) not to become unequally yoked with unbelievers, referring primarily to the marriage relationship, but we would not want to set up our teen to have a relationship that could eventually result in marriage to an unbeliever. Allowing a teen to dabble in relationships with unbelievers is playing with fire — no matter how “nice” he seems. A young man may seem nice, polite and all that, but does he hold the same standards as you do for your daughter in the areas of morality, purity, media choices, speech and so forth? An unbeliever simply will not. 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns us very directly, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.” Being “nice” or “a great guy” falls desperately short of the godly young man who (while also young and susceptible to emotions/hormones) hopefully has your daughter’s best interest at heart and respects you as her parents. In other words, Christian kids need accountability, too!

Many young men interested in lovely young ladies will declare their belief in God thinking if they say the right words they will “win the prize.” This happens all too often, I am sad to say. Often young couples marry only to discover in time that they are unequally yoked.

Any worthy young suitor should be happy and willing to speak to a young lady’s father/parents for permission to date. It is not a private matter between the young man and your daughter. That argument should raise a red flag for you. His willingness to speak to you as the parents demonstrates his respect — or lack thereof — for you and your husband.

A person may refer to himself as a believer, but this falls short of a profession of faith in Christ. Any true believer has no qualms about sharing their faith or their testimony. In fact, it is the natural declaration of a person who has the Holy Spirit residing in them.

I once had a conversation with a close friend who was considering a relationship with a man. I asked her if he was a believer and she emphatically stated, “Yes!” Then I asked her to confirm that he was a born-again believer to which she replied, “Well, I don’t know about THAT!” “THAT” says it all. It cannot be both ways and you will be able to tell.

I would encourage you not to allow your daughter to date anyone who does not have a clear profession of faith in Christ as their Savior and Lord and a testimony of how they came to this faith. Even though he is young, you will want to know that he has developed convictions for his life and that he lives under the authority of God’s Word.

In the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart book, we refer to these indicators of faith as “vital signs of a true believer” (see pages 448-450 and 495-499). The Bible instructs us that we can evaluate a person’s spiritual life by their spiritual fruit.

Here are a several examples of how this works:

Does the young person profess Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord? True believers cannot help but speak of what the Lord means to them and what He is doing in their lives. Believers do not treat such matters as “private” or as “none of your business.”
Does he seek out and enjoy the fellowship of other believers by attending church, youth group or other Christian fellowship? Or does he attempt to isolate your daughter and keep her from you, from her Christian friends, commitments, or devotional time?
Does he exemplify godly character in his attitude and behavior? Does he demonstrate respect for you and your daughter by following your instructions or boundaries? Or is he dismissive of you and the standards you have instilled in your daughter?
Does he have a track record and convictions for moral purity? Does he separate himself from the world’s value system and activities? Can he state his convictions to you? Or does he think that you are unrealistic, too rigid, out of touch or old-fashioned?
Does he encourage your daughter’s relationship with you as her parents — or does he pull her away from you, encouraging your daughter to be sneaky or keep secrets? Is he drawing her into things that are compromising her relationship with you or her walk with the Lord? In other words, does he lead her in the paths of righteousness or cause her to stumble? At some point, you will be helping your daughter choose a man who will be her leader, provider and protector. Do you observe the potential for these things in this young man?

Having a good chat between Dad and the young man, before emotions are overly engaged is essential. Even if Dad says, “No” to a particular suitor and your daughter becomes distraught, hang tough. It is a precious and pure demonstration of a father’s leading, provision and protection over his daughter. Some day he will consent and will essentially transfer this responsibility to his new son-in-law. Don’t give in to the emotional pleadings of your daughter if you KNOW the relationship is not in her best interest.

May the Lord bless your relationship as you grow together in directing your daughter down the path of making one of the most critical choices in her life. Show her how much you care for her and love her. And I pray that she will trust you as you seek the Lord in these decisions.

TueTuesdayJanJanuary24th2012

How to Help Children Deal with Anger?

Posted Tuesday, January 24 2012 @ 10 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Discipline 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I have a 6-year-old son who has struggled with anger and control issues since he was 3 years old. As a result, to this day he will stamp his feet, flail his arms and either cry, whine or complain in an angry tone VERY loudly when something disappoints him (most often, when he has to stop what he is doing, and switch to a new activity). I have begun to spank him every time he exhibits this behavior but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Am I being controlling in trying to force him to stop, and eventually through maturity and growth in Christ he will stop without me spanking? He has shown fruit - that the Holy Spirit is in him. Often I will send him to his room to pray and “ask Jesus to help you WANT to have a good attitude.” He will come down with a completely changed attitude and behavior for the rest of the day. Am I being too harsh?

Sincerely, Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned:

We all deal with control issues as we learn humility, self-control, and other fruits of a disciplined life. These things are not “givens”; they are not guaranteed with age and will not automatically be characteristic of a person’s life even if they are an adult believer. That is why we have such an amazing stewardship of our children. God is entrusting us to train them in these things and more.

Discipline but Don't Exasperate. Be assured that every mother relates to being schooled in this one at some time or other! When children disobey they need to be disciplined. They need to learn how to bring their will under yours and see you as their authority. However children are tender little people who desire and need a close bond with their parents. And we have to be careful not to go so far as to exasperate or "provoke them to anger" (Ephesians 6:4).

Children want to please us and they are crushed in spirit when they sense our disappointment. But biblical discipline is divinely humane as it brings the offender and the offended back into fellowship and makes a way for the sin/disobedience to be dealt with for good. That is why it is so important to address willful disobedience in a young child and that he understand that he has a way back -- a way to make things right again.

Going Full Circle. Our Heavenly Father deals with us in much the same way so that as sinful beings we can be cleansed and live in fellowship with Him. 1 John 1:9 assures us that, “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we refer to this way back as “going full-circle” in discipline which means that when we sin,

we admit and take responsibility for it,
we make amends and are restored,
we know the right choice to make if the situation comes up again, and
we are forgiven and restored.

(See the lesson “Committed to Discipline” for further reading on this topic or check our website archives for related articles.)

However if children do not understand their discipline or if their discipline is not taken full-circle, there will be a breakdown between the parent and child. When this happens, the child or the parent may become embittered against the other (even parents can become exasperated!). Hence a downward spiral that further disconnects the parent and child can begin. If we are not watchful or protective of this special bond all sorts of “interesting behaviors” may erupt.

Be Sensitive to your Child's Temperament. Sometimes I call this kind of exasperation in children simply being “undone.” And here is where we add another consideration into the mix – your child’s temperament. I did not mention this upfront because it is secondary to the training that God desires for His children regardless of their temperament.

Children can have different thresholds of when they “undo” or become exasperated, but we still have a duty to teach them to be self disciplined and controlled so that they don’t manipulate you to the point of giving up and not carrying through to discipline. In other words, don’t be tempted to excuse his behavior because of “temperament.” Children may be strong-willed, compliant or withdrawn, but we still need to be watchful of their wills, minds, and emotions.

Plan Ahead. I encourage you to spend some time thinking and praying through your plan ahead of time so that you can be “comfortable” in your discipline with your children. When you are not, they may sense that and take control of the situation through various manipulative techniques. But in any case, you must take your son full-circle and help him understand what is occurring through it. He needs to learn that you are consistent and committed to his maturity in all aspects.

Cool Down Time. Sometimes spanking is not the answer, but the child is still accountable for sinful behavior and the full-circle will address this. If they are particularly “undone” they may need a bit of quiet time to ponder their situation. This is one of those rare situations that such a “time out” may be appropriate.

Five-Minute Warnings. When you tell him it is time to stop, you might instead say, “Five minute warning” meaning in five minutes you are to stop. His response needs to be “Okay, Mom” indicating that he heard you and that when you say time is up, it is up. You can even make a game of practicing this in situations that are not so difficult to stop. Give him opportunities to learn to “make the right choice” and have success so that you are not exhausted with constantly feeling as if you are having to discipline or correct him.

Do-overs Allowed. I know a young mother of four with one son who seems to struggle more than the rest of her children when he encounters sudden “changes in direction” and so forth as you mentioned. She sometimes says to her son, “You can have a do-over. This doesn’t have to effect the rest of your day,” meaning you can choose right now to have a proper response going forward. Knowing there is a way to work through to a right conclusion and a new start reassures the child who knows his life has just spun out of control.

In fact, once when this child was told “tomorrow is a new day,” he responded, “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, I want to start now.” What a sweet response in the heart of the child who is learning to make the right choices and defeat his own defiant will. The wisdom of this young mother reveals her understanding of her child’s need for tenderness and accountability. This is what training does over time but it is a long process, a lifelong process.

May the Lord bless you in the process.

FriFridayOctOctober21st2011

Helping Children Develop a Devotional Lifestyle?

Posted Friday, October 21 2011 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Discipleship Spiritual Training 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy:

At what age would you suggest children begin to read their Bible and have a devotional life?
Curious…

Dear Curious:

Obviously, the Bible is difficult for smaller children to read and understand. And since you want to develop a love the Lord and prayer as a natural part of their lives along with an ever deepening trust in God, you will not want to approach this important discipline as a mere “task” to be performed. However, the truth is that we do not become disciplined in anything without a considerable amount of effort, obedience and perseverance. I often told my kids, “Don’t look for the shortcut. It will not really get you where you want to be.”

All that being said, we gauge our teaching and training so that it is age-appropriate, engaging, and at the same time a bit challenging. If they grow up seeing Mom and Dad reading the Bible, praying and memorizing Scripture, it will not only seem like a regular part of life, but they will be intrigued by what Mom and Dad are doing and learning. So along with modeling a devotion to God, we share “teachable moments” with our children about how God is working in our lives (Deut 6:6-7). In this way, developing a “quiet time” or devotional life can start well before their ability to read the Bible.

In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we suggest a “Thinking Time” (in the chapter entitled, “Character Building”) for children who have outgrown naps. Occasionally they still may need a nap so this is a good “transitioner,” but even older children benefit from some “down time” to just be quiet, focus on the Lord, pray and think. For me, it was so helpful for my children to rest and have a half-hour alone sometime between arriving home from school and beginning dinner. (You can see that the timing is strategic to keep the house calm while prepping dinner.)

Also, be sure to be reading great Bible stories and devotional books to them. You may want to start a family devotional time or a bedtime story and chat time. Two books along these lines that I recommend are The Jesus Storybook Bible and Choosing God’s Way, but there are many wonderful choices. Scripture memory is also a great way for children to tuck away truth from the Scriptures, especially since they are such little sponges and so able to memorize! Entrusted offers a Scripture Memory CD featuring 23 verses set to song that will appeal to all ages.

Continue to help your children cultivate a devotional style as they grow. Around the age of twelve or so they will be ready to begin reading the Bible. Set realistic goals for how long (five to ten minutes) or how much (ten verses or one chapter). Have them journal what they are getting out of their reading. When our children reached thirty days in a row, they received a special Bible like Mom and Dad. Help them grow into this discipline. (For more on this see the chapter on “Growing Godly Disciplines” in Entrusted with a Child’s Heart).

For parents interested in reading through the Bible with their teens, I recommend reading through chronologically to give the best overview of the entire Bible. The parent and teen read on their own, then once a week discuss what the Lord is teaching them. You may even have them color-code or highlight themes in the Bible. For example, when reading Proverbs, have them highlight “wise choices” in one color and “foolish choices” in another. For the older child or teen, they may be challenged with learning the “Top Fifty” Scripture Memory verses found in the Appendix of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart Book Format.

We are currently piloting and developing a curriculum for developing a devotional lifestyle called, Get The Word Out. Nancy, from our office, is using this resource while reading through the Bible (using a two-year reading schedule) with her sixteen-year old. We hope to have this new curriculum complete and available next fall. In the mean time contact us if you would like a copy of the two-year chronological reading plan.

Blessings,

FriFridaySepSeptember23rd2011

Clingy Toddler -- Maturity or Discipline Matter?

Posted Friday, September 23 2011 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Manipulation Toddlers 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I have a clingy, whiny, 20-month-old boy. He is content to play on his own for some periods of time but generally follows me around the house while I’m trying to get things done, crying to be picked up. When someone else is with him like my husband or a babysitter, he is perfectly fine until I come in the door and then he starts the crying and whining again. Is this a matter of discipline or maturity? I’m not sure how to handle it. It exasperates me and frustrates my husband.
-- Exasperated Mom

Dear Exasperated,

It is probably a matter of both discipline and maturity, but mostly maturity so let’s talk about that part first.

Children of this age have a deep and precious bond with their mothers. You, even more than Dad, at this stage of his life are his greatest human source of security, comfort, and let’s face it – food. You understand his needs and desires more than anyone else and he seeks you out above all to be constantly meeting those needs, which is where the whining and manipulative behavior can take root.

Young children want to be near their mothers. If you run upstairs for a second, they feel uneasy or possibly unsafe. If you need to make a run to the bathroom, they are sitting outside the door. This obviously makes life challenging as we try to accomplish daily tasks. But it is okay and a normal part of this season of life.

To meet his need to be connected and to feel secure and loved, spend time holding him, rocking, singing, calming him. I remember thinking at times like this in my own life, “I know the Lord will help me get everything else done. It is okay to give concentrated time to my little one. The Lord is showing me I need to take a break and be with my child.”

Sometimes they are acting out just to be held and cuddled, and meeting this need is not spoiling them. They don’t always know the proper way to ask for a need to be met so they cry, tug at us, or whine. It is like a hunger pang that needs to be satisfied. Be willing to give him a bit more time holding and cuddling. When his emotional tank is “filled” he will spend more time playing.

Another matter of maturity is that children who have been dropped off at the church nursery let’s say, for some time with no trouble, may suddenly panic at the prospect when they reach the age of 15-21 months, setting off a vocal alarm when dropped off.

As they are developing, they are becoming more aware of their surroundings and that “Mom” is not there. They are not as easily fooled by you stepping out of sight! They are growing up. It is okay to leave them so that they learn you are coming back. Don’t start believing that you cannot leave them for an hour or so. They need to learn to be away from you and not manipulate you into staying with them. These two scenarios may seem like contradictions but they are not. This last scenario is an example of “separation anxiety."

Now, to address the matter of discipline. Wanting to be held by you or be near you is not an issue in need of discipline, but whining is a behavior that you will want to discourage. In other words, do not respond to the whining by giving him what he wants. He has to learn that whining will not work. Please refer to the chapter "Recognizing and Handling Manipulation" of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart to read more about dealing with the manipulation of whining. I am guessing that this is the part that is exasperating your husband because whining is one of those things that rates up there with scratching your nails across a blackboard!

Discipline may be needed at some point but for now teach him how to express needs without whining. Do not pick him up when he whines. Teach him an appropriate way to get your attention, like saying, “Mama, please" or using some type of nonverbal signal if he is not yet speaking. Then get down to his eye level and talk to him. Most whining starts as an effort to be heard, then grows into a habit because “it is working.” Another practical idea (since sometimes you just need to get things done!) would be to put the child in a high chair either with a snack or a small toy you know will occupy him, and put the chair in a place where he can see you. This can be a lifesaver during meal preparation time!

Finally, remember the Bible’s encouragement, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9) Training a child to be more independent of Mom is an important task. However, keep in mind that this stage will not last forever! One day you may find yourself wishing your child needed you just a little bit more.

Warmly,

Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.

FriFridayAugAugust19th2011

How do I help my child learn to pray?

Posted Friday, August 19 2011 @ 8 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipleship Gospel Spiritual Training 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

How do I help my 3 year-old daughter to pray? She often doesn’t want to pray. How do I foster sensitivity in her spirit towards God?
-- Praying Mom

Dear Praying

There is something so sweet about a child’s prayer. They pray from the heart until often (sadly) they learn to rush or pray by rote. Rather than forcing the issue with her, use everyday moments to teach her the spiritual discipline of communicating with her Heavenly Father. Allow her to see you praying, reading, singing, so that it becomes a natural part of life for her.

Pray with her before meals, before bed, and other times throughout the day as needs or concerns arise or simply to offer praise or thanksgiving to God. (…pray without ceasing – I Thessalonians 5:17)

More than praying when we want them to, we train them to pray when they need to communicate with their Heavenly Father about anything. Help her to see all the ways God answers our prayers and how He is always near to us. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:4-7

Teach her that God guides us and helps us through prayer and that we can pray for others too. Be patient and teach her to have an attitude of caring about other people and she will begin to pray on her own. Help her see the connection between what we ask and God’s answers so that her prayers are natural responses from a grateful heart.

Train up a child in the way he should go,  Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Warmly,

FriFridayAugAugust12th2011

Sleepovers

Posted Friday, August 12 2011 @ 8 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Personal Convictions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

How do you handle sleepovers with friends who have siblings of the opposite sex? What rules or expectations do you lay down without offending the other family?

-Sleepless over Sleepovers

Dear Sleepless,

Think carefully whether you want to have your daughter (or son) in a position where their privacy or safety would be compromised. (Could this possibly be the situation here?) Sounds like this is your concern and so it is valid to prohibit the sleepover. As the parent, you have the responsibility to be informed about what will be taking place at the sleepover and who will be there. If you do not believe you are being truthfully informed, your answer is clear. Are you allowing your children to stay in the home of strangers or people you do not know well? You must keep the safety and privacy of your children as a priority over other concerns. If you feel uneasy about a situation, certainly do not subject your child to it.

Have family standards in regards to sleepovers so that your kids can answer these invitations in keeping with what your family convictions are and so that it is not a constant battle. Clearly many families will not have such convictions and that makes your parenting more challenging. It is easier when your friends hold the same convictions, but then that is the point of having your own family convictions and holding to them.

Evaluate the purpose of sleepovers. Is it an edifying activity for your child or even the best choice for their time? Your child may have great friends from a family that you know well and trust - and still the sleepover may not really be deemed a worthwhile activity. What types of media and entertainment will be available and what activities will be going on at the sleepover? Do they get enough sleep? Not likely. That’s the fun of it (for them.) They may rise to the occasion to meet the demands of the next day but the following day miss school. (Or was that just our house?)

For our family we decided upon an age when we would allow sleepovers to begin and an age when they would end. And of course, this presupposes our standards of knowing the parents, the plan for the evening, etc. This eliminated a great deal of problems regarding sleepovers. You must also decide if you want your children to be involved in sleepovers at all and if so, how many friends is a reasonable number to have overnight? Some of my friends have different standards for the ages they allow sleepovers. That is fine, choose your own and stick to them so your children know the standard for your family. Some kids have a special friend or cousins that may stay over regularly, but set family standards about what you will allow or not allow in regards to all of this and stick to them.

I can remember a time when someone invited one of my children to sleep over, but they didn’t really want to go because they were uncomfortable in their friend’s home. It wasn’t really a situation of safety or privacy but it is not uncommon for children to be sensitive to a variety of factors in an unfamiliar environment. Such factors may be how the parents interact, what goes on in the house, and even how it “smells” (because it is not “home”). This is not one of those times in which your children need to be “stretched”. Kids should not be coerced to stay where they feel uneasy.

Sleepovers are optional. As the parent, you can say, “He (or she) does not sleep well at sleepovers and you can agree to pick them up at a specific time, have them over to your house instead, or just say, in this case, “We don’t do sleepovers”.

For further discussion on the topic of sleepovers, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, page 401, and also Chapter 3, “Personal Convictions”.

Warmly,

FriFridayAugAugust5th2011

Realistic Expectations for Children Sitting Still?

Posted Friday, August 05 2011 @ 8 PM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Expectations 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

What are realistic expectations for a four year-old sitting still at meals, church, in restaurants, etc.?
-Ants in his pants

Dear Ants,

A healthy, well-rested four year-old should be able to sit through a meal at a restaurant or an hour-long event without unruly behavior. Do not exasperate a child, however, by expecting them to sit quietly for extended periods of time (for example in a long church service that is not geared to them at all. Just imagine if you were expected to sit for an hour and watch Barney!) Children, by nature, require a certain amount of physical activity. Anything over an hour is really expecting a lot for a young child.

This is an area of training and maturity over time. It is not a matter of them just sitting still when they reach the “magic age” of four. This, of course, will vary from child to child.

1 Corinthians 13:11 reminds us that children do not act like adults, and they should not be expected to. “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”

Remember it’s a process, but what direction are we going in our training process? We are training them to eventually sit still without having to be entertained or occupied.

Plan ahead, and if you are in a restaurant, for example, have something special for them to nibble on while waiting, or a small toy they can play with that won’t be disruptive to those around them. Also teach them proper manners as to how to express their needs. One of our family restaurant rules was, “If someone at another table can hear what you’re saying, you are too loud.” Adults should be able to relax and enjoy a meal without constant focus on or interruption from the children. On the other hand, don't ignore them; they need to feel like they are part of the dining experience.

Please remember to be reasonable and respectful of your surroundings, especially in a church service. My opinion is that a worship center should not be treated like a movie theater or a coffee house but as a place of worship. Certainly it should be a place where children are welcomed, but it shouldn’t be the only place where they are being trained to sit still. They should be learning this even at home at the dinner table. (See tip on “Dinner Pants.") It is disrespectful to the people around you as well as to the speaker to have children who are disruptive or in constant motion.

One general tip that may seem obvious, but many parents seem to forget, is to make sure your children have visited the restroom before they will be expected to sit for an extended period of time. Also, be sensitive to their routine and do not stretch them too far beyond their scheduled mealtimes or naps.

(For further discussion about levels of maturity and reasonable expectations, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, pages 224-226).

Warmly,

FriFridayJulJuly8th2011

Is Secular Music Okay for Children?

Posted Friday, July 08 2011 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Music Personal Convictions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

Is it okay to expose our kids to secular music? They’re going to hear it anyway.

-Rock On?

Dear Rock On,

While it is true that you will hear every type of music even at the grocery store these days, it may not be what you would choose for your own home. Taste in music is extremely subjective, but we want to be discerning – especially about the lyrics. All secular music is not necessarily negative but that to which your children are repeatedly exposed will naturally influence their taste in music and their appetite for it.

As parents, we must be aware of the power music can have to elicit emotion in our children -- both positive and negative. Steady diets of anything which produces negative emotions such as anger, violence, or illicit sexual desire should of course be avoided. But other emotional influences can be more subtle, such as music and lyrics which involve longing for the love of a boyfriend/ girlfriend or the sadness over losing one. Over time, this can begin to stir up a longing or feeling in our children that they NEED something they don’t have (and shouldn’t have for a long time).

So be watchful and aware of what you are allowing, knowing that as their parent, you are the moderator. There are many great tools available online, like this one, to help you know more about popular music. Especially as your children get older and want to select music for their iPods, etc., be aware of what they are listening to and teach them to make wise choices.

Parents set the boundaries, and need to put their foot down when their children cross their line. In other words, don’t allow your kids to succumb to any influence that you deem negative for them. Also, be aware of the fact that the type of music tweens and teens gravitate toward can be an indicator of a deeper need, or the condition of their heart. In those cases, the music is secondary to the root cause, which needs to be addressed.

It is a good idea for parents to talk about these things and develop personal convictions while their children are young. For example how much time will children be allowed to listen to their iPod? Will they be allowed to listen to them in the car? How will you go about monitoring your children’s choices? These are a few of the many considerations you need to make as parents.

Also, consider the purpose of your music choices. Teach your children true worship; every other music choice has a different purpose. Is the purpose fun, or for worship? Can you listen to your music with a clear conscience? The one thing we likely all agree on is that the highest purpose of music is to worship God. So be intentional in exposing your children to worshipful music at a young age, and remember to major on the majors and minor on the minors.

Music has a tremendous influence on people. You may be thinking, “It’s only music,” but in fact, research shows that it is the number one influence in the life of a teen. What kind of influence do you want that music to be?

Unto Him,

“For the report of your obedience has reached to all; therefore I am rejoicing over you, but I want you to be wise in what is good and innocent in what is evil.” Romans 16:19

For more information on this topic, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, page 400.

Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.

FriFridayJulJuly1st2011 A Working Mom

Posted Friday, July 01 2011 @ 11 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Biblical Convictions Order/ Priorities Working Moms 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I'm a working mom who feels like I really need to work at this time. My job carries our family's health insurance and our budget necessitates my income. How do I juggle a full-time job with managing a home and being a wife and mother? I am exhausted. I don't feel like I have time for tenderness with my husband or children. I don't feel like I have any order in my life. I'd love to be home with my kids but I feel trapped. Any suggestions for someone in my situation?

-- Overwhelmed with Life

Dear Overwhelmed,

I think you said it all when you said:

You feel trapped
You wished you were home
You're exhausted
Tenderness is compromised
There is a loss of order in your home
You feel that you must work and must provide

Clearly this is not a place where God would have you operating long-term. Your question even reveals that you are already reaping some unhealthy and difficult consequences. You must decide what you want to reap long-term. What are the real priorities and what are your God-given roles? Sometimes we have extenuating circumstances for a period of time, but this needs to be seen as a temporary solution.

Organizational tips can help us cope with higher demands or even everyday life, but they may also be just that, ways of coping rather than addressing the long-term situation. I have always found that developing a short list of "non-negotiables" every year or couple of years helped me assess whether I was reaping what I hoped to be sowing, and if I was keeping the biblical priorities that I chose for my life.You may want to read further along this idea by checking the following links for "Non-Negotiables" and "Milk in the Fridge/Gas in the Tank."

Your husband's role of providing for your family is a biblical conviction. (1 Timothy 5:8). If there is some reason he is unable to fulfill that role temporarily, that is one thing; but if you are taking on his role, you will not be able to fulfill your own role.

The Bible says in Titus 2:3-5, the woman's primary roles are to center around her family and her home. "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."

We serve our families best when we can be resourceful within the home, rather than earning more money outside the home. You can trust the Lord to provide for your family without feeling like you have to be the answer. For some reason, you are carrying more than your share of the family burden. I hope it is only temporary. Even when Mom takes on additional burdens, she often doesn't get relief in any other areas. You will not be able to carry on this way indefinitely.

My suggestion would be that you and your husband commit this matter to serious discussion and fervent prayer. Also, please refer to Chapter 4, "God's Plan of Order" (pp. 87-89) and Chapter 6, "A Mother's Touch" (pp. 103-111) in Entrusted with a Child's Heart.

Warmly,

Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.

Applying Biblical Truth to Everyday Life