Biggest Loser, Part 4 -- Major Loss: Our Insurance

July 2009 was when I hit rock bottom in my journey as a “temporary single mom” with six kids. Unemployment and the lack of a daily routine along with all the kids at home for summer vacation was a recipe for disaster. As I attempted to balance my time between an all-out job search and spending time with our kids, every area of my life was simply “falling apart.”

Physically – Each morning, it was a huge effort to get out of bed. Being fully alert, loving and patient towards our six children became a challenge as I struggled to get a full night’s sleep. I tossed and turned between tears of despair and prayers of desperation. Simple tasks such as cooking or changing a diaper were done with dread, not joy. I felt like I was moving through thick Jello. Lack of planning resulted in eating (expensive and unhealthy) fast food on the run. Exercise was nonexistent, as I gained weight and craved coffee and chocolate. Daily this vicious cycle was repeated, leading to an unhealthy, downward spiral. I felt trapped in my own body and in my negative thoughts of discouragement and failure.

Emotionally - I continued to operate in a constant state of despair and depression. I mistakenly called my husband’s cell phone many times, forgetting that it was disconnected. My reality was that I would not ever be able to call him in prison during his 5 ½ year sentence. Instead, I would have to patiently wait for his random calls throughout the day, which were and still are limited to just 300-minutes per month (an additional cost we would have to pay). The lack of communication with my best friend left a huge void that no other person could completely fill. The thought of having to handwrite or type a letter to send by postal service every time I wanted to talk to him was overwhelming to me.

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Continued from Biggest Loser -- the story of one Mom's journey of hope through devastating loss.

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Socially – I became isolated because I was worried that friends and neighbors outside our inner circle would find out about “our secret.” As I feared what others would think or say, I realized that I was beginning to create my own type of invisible prison, one without physical bars or a fence.

Financially – With my checking account quickly shrinking, I knew we needed to take drastic cost-cutting measures. I wrestled with how to define “a true need” versus “a true want.” Needs included: utilities and basic groceries while wants we had to cut were: our home phone line, cable TV, eating out, and just about everything else. This was especially challenging with three bored teenagers and three active toddlers!

Spiritually - The uninvited stranger I introduced you to earlier, “the fear of the unknown,” was now joined with a new visitor, “the sin of unbelief” - Hebrews 3:18-19. I just could not believe that God was truly omnipresent (present everywhere), omniscient (all-knowing), and omnipotent (all-powerful) in the midst of my darkness. I continually asked myself, “How could He allow this to happen?” More specifically, I struggled with even more frightening introspection such as, “Did I even believe in God anymore? If not, then what or who did I believe in? What was the purpose of my life?”

My need for planning and control were literally thrown out the window of my crisis-driven life. How could I possibly plan a schedule when I had no time, energy or motivation to complete the endless tasks on my ever-growing “to do list”? Was it even possible to budget such a small unemployment check to support all seven of us? Waves of denial became another daily battle.

I felt the increasing pressure to secure a full-time management job (complete with generous benefits - insurance, a 401k plan, etc.). Unfortunately, through the interview process, I learned that with my CPA, MAS and 15+ years of management experience, I was overqualified for most every accounting position in a shrinking job market and declining economy. In demand were bookkeepers, not higher-level controllers or CFO’s. This constant rejection added to my already fragile self-confidence. I learned that sometimes circumstances have to become so negative before we are willing to make any drastic changes.

In August 2009, I attended a Christian leadership conference featuring top visionaries from around the world who were making significant differences through their lives and ministries. It was amazing to see what God was doing worldwide, beyond the limited view of my life. Buzzwords such as "a new normal," "necessary change," "passion" and "radical problem-solving" were rays of hope in my darkness. Could there be a greater purpose that God had for our terrible situation? As I drove home on that night, inspired and excited yet nervous, I made a vow to God that if there was any way He would provide for our basic needs, then I would promise to serve Him in ministry to help others, possibly even in a prison ministry.

As I later contemplated my circumstances and choices, my confused mind began to play tug-of-war between a corporate job, which appeared logical, versus a ministry position, which seemed risky. Was this faith or foolishness? As our health and dental insurance policies were coming to an end, my true fear became our lack of insurance if I were to accept a part-time ministry job. I learned that “insurance” is defined as “a guarantee against loss or harm.” I now knew from experience that even with the protection that the best policies money can buy, there is no such thing as “true insurance” on this earth, except my personal faith in Christ alone.

More to come...

Biggest Loser, Part 3
Biggest Loser, Part 5

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