Biggest Loser, Part 7 -- Major Gain: Our Marriage

My husband’s first year in prison was the most difficult for all of us. As a (temporary) single mom of 6 kids, there were so many unanswered questions and a multitude of adjustments to make  - physical, emotional, social, financial and spiritual. The biggest challenge was that these changes were all occurring simultaneously in each of our 8 separate lives, everything from potty training and puberty to drivers’ ed and dating. Trying to seek God’s will for every decision and direction was constantly overwhelming in the busyness of daily life.

More than anything else, I desperately needed God’s wisdom to make the right choices for our family.  I also sought God’s peace and blessings to confirm that I was truly following His plans for us, not my own ways based on my limited human knowledge. Psalm 85:8 reminded me that, “I will hear what God the Lord will say; for He will speak peace to His people, to His godly ones; but let them not turn back to folly.” I needed specific guidance every day, every hour, so that I could really “hear Him” through reading His Word and constant prayer, instead of turning “back to folly” – my self-sufficiency and need for control.

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Continued from Biggest Loser -- the story of one Mom's journey of hope through devastating loss.

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I am so thankful to have been blessed by the biblical parenting study of “Entrusted with a Child’s Heart” over the years. Now the Holy Spirit was reminding me of those principles just when I needed them most. Through its practical teaching, I knew that we had to distinguish the primary priorities in our lives from the secondary ones. After my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my first priority, I knew that we were forced to rethink the second priority, our marriage.

I wholeheartedly agreed with Betsy’s reminder that “The marriage relationship is to be our strongest human relationship.” However, this became incredibly difficult, almost impossible, in our situation. I asked God, “my spiritual husband during this season,” to provide supernatural wisdom in how to realistically live out this principle daily. He is so faithful to help me with practical, down-to-earth guidance.

Three powerful principles I learned from taking the Entrusted study (many times!) are:

1. Establishing guardrails for my family:

I knew we had to protect and preserve our marriage during this sensitive period of physical separation by building not just one, but several guardrails. I became very intentional about avoiding situations where I would be alone with any man. In addition, regardless of the type of job God would provide, I prayed specifically for a female boss/supervisor. During our housing search, I even prayed for a female landlord.

2. Living in understanding and agreement

I realized that in order to maintain a healthy, viable long-distance marriage, we would both need to make communication a top priority.  This was especially difficult with very limited phone calls that only he could initiate for 300 minutes per month. In addition, he had no access to email for the first 8 months. As a result, he was forced to handwrite me and our kids letters everyday. This was (and still is) such an unexpected and precious gift, especially in our current high-tech world of cell phones, texting and email. I, too, tried my best to type letters, write cards, and mail photos of the kids, but it was and still is very challenging as a busy, single mom. I am reminded every day that to live in understanding and agreement with each other requires constant attention.

3. Knowing my role and doing it

Although we both knew our basic, normal marriage roles as husband and wife, our situation forced me to wrestle with “role reversal,” as the sole financial provider while my husband was gone. The Entrusted principles helped clarify and remind me of these specific roles:

• Husband loves and wife respects
• Husband leads and wife follows
• Husband provides and wife supports
• Husband protects and wife stays close

I was so encouraged by our pastor that Jesus is my spiritual husband through the church, the body of Christ. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to go through this crisis alone.


Most importantly, I really appreciated Betsy and Dave’s powerful story of not making a “waste of life” over holding grudges, drawn-out arguments and the sin of pride in our marriage. Through this incarceration experience, my husband and I were learning that life is fragile and unpredictable, and not to take anything for granted – especially each other and our marriage. It was as if He was allowing us to have a chance to “do-over” our marriage, completely built on God’s biblical foundation alone, because we had lost almost everything else. There was nothing left to even argue over. There were so many things we said and did that we both regret. We were learning to be grateful for our still-intact marriage, our 6 healthy, joyful kids and our great God who was sovereignly carrying us through this crisis, one baby step at a time.

More to come...

Biggest Loser, Part 6
Biggest Loser, Part 8


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