Biggest Loser, Part 11 -- Major Gain: My Identity

By the winter of 2011, our family was getting adjusted in our new home and surviving through another series of special holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s - all without the presence of my husband and their much-missed dad. On February 17, 2011, the 2-year anniversary of his departure date (and our physical separation of over 450 miles) came and went with the sober realization of the fragility of life.

I knew that what I thought was a large part of my identity for the past 20+ was gone – ambition, accomplishment, and accolades in my educational and professional life as a previous CPA and CFO of various businesses. The inner drive to “be the best and do the most” in my work life was slowly diminishing. As I faced monumental crises beyond my control, one right after another, the Lord began to reveal to me my deep, hidden sins of independence, self-sufficiency, and the constant need for control.

Through the losses of our marriage, my corporate job, our benefits, and then our house, I see how He patiently showed me areas where I needed to trust Him and His ways much more than myself and what I thought I knew. The process was painful and difficult.  Many times I just wanted to quit and escape all of my mounting problems. As a Type-A planner and organizer, not being able to see His plans for the next year, month, week and sometimes even the next day, were unbearable. In addition, as a financial professional, I never thought we would ever have to live month-to-month, paycheck-to-paycheck, without a cushion of savings. How ironic and humbling! I was forced to live hour-by-hour and even moment-by-moment, desperately seeking Him for direction and courage to take the next baby step in every area of my shattered life. For the first time, I realized I had no answers, no solutions, no hope. I had come to the end of myself and who I thought I was.

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Continued from Biggest Loser -- the story of one Mom's journey of hope through devastating loss.

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However, I remember specifically being so encouraged by Entrusted in Lesson 2, “The Authority of God’s Word” regarding hope, “In Christ, there is no hopeless situation for you ever again. You are never at a point of being so desperate that God doesn’t provide a way of truth for you, a way out.” I needed to find that way out, that way of truth for me and my specific circumstances, my disappointments and my pain.

I realize now that God was teaching me to wait for Him to demonstrate His faithfulness to me in each of my problems in very practical, down-to-earth-ways.  The words of Hebrews 11:1 seemed to jump off the page as they reminded me, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” I thought I had that kind of saving faith but I realized that my faith was so weak. God was testing me, refining me and ultimately strengthening me. Lesson 2 continues, “Obey His Word and watch for Him to bless you. Be strong in Him, He is testing your faith to see if you will continue to obey Him even when things are very difficult. He wants to grow you up to be like Jesus.”

All He was asking me to do was to obey Him day by day, in crisis after crisis. And that was what I began to do - through His Word, prayer and deep, transparent fellowship with other believers, so He could begin to create a radically new identity in me.



During this season of Good Friday and Easter, I have been deeply pondering the themes of death, sacrifice, suffering, abandonment, resurrection and the meaning of new life. I have never before been so attracted to “life-givers,” those people who live out the Gospel in what they say and do, without hesitating, without counting the cost, and without even realizing it. Those who extend extravagant love and abundant grace unconditionally, by encouraging me with His Word, praying with and for me, serving me and our kids, sacrificing their hard-earned money and possessions to provide for our needs, generously giving me hugs, and even driving over 8 hours to visit and encourage my husband in prison. I thought I knew what “grace” was, but I had never fully experienced the extent of it until now – by receiving blessings beyond measure that I could never earn or repay.

I never, ever thought I would say this, but I am truly so thankful for having been “entrusted” with so many losses in my life. It has been and continues to be an amazing experience to have a front-row seat to watch God transform each of our lives from the inside-out and to have my identity fully found in Christ alone. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me,” Galatians 2:20. Happy Easter!

More to come...

Biggest Loser, Part 10
Biggest Loser, Conclusion

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