What can I do about son's shyness that leads to rudeness?

Dear Betsy,

We have a 3 year old who has recently started a very rude behavior that we are not sure how to stop. When we are around others -- both new and familiar -- he will put his hand up and tell them to "stop looking at me" or "don't talk to me." We have talked a lot about how the emotions are okay to feel, but that we still need to be kind and acknowledge people with a polite "Hello" or an appropriate response to something they have said or asked him. Even before we had our friends over the other evening, I spent all day preparing him that they would be coming and that we expect him to be kind and polite, and still he acted very rude (telling them to not look at him, running away, not responding when they talked to him). We would appreciate your wisdom in this!

Thank you very much!
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

It is disheartening—sometimes even embarrassing—when our children act up in front of guests and friends. This behavior in a three-year-old is somewhat more understandable as very young children still think they can choose between proper behavior (obedience) and whatever action pleases them at the moment. If unchecked, these behaviors quickly become manipulative and defiant when the child is fully aware of what he should do and refuses to do it.

As you are training your child, you are teaching them that if they choose defiance or disobedience, they are choosing the consequence that follows. On the other hand, they can choose to obey and receive the blessing from that choice. When we train our children to obey, rather than merely reacting to disobedience, life becomes so much more pleasant for all concerned! Right now you find yourself in the early stage where your little one still believes he can behave however he chooses. Your job (and privilege) is to train him to make the obedient choice. Remember, it is a process, so be patient as your child learns from your consistency and persistence.

Begin, as it sounds like you have, by teaching him how to respond properly to people when you are not actually in a “situation.” Role-play and review several times a day the action you are attempting to achieve. For example, "When Momma speaks to you, look at my eyes.” “When I speak to you, answer me.” “Say, hello, thank-you, etc." Teach him some simple manners that he can successfully achieve.

Work on these even when he is tired or out of his usual element so that he begins to generalize the behavior and obey in any situation. When you first begin this, you may need to direct his attention away from what he is doing. When you give him a directive, follow it with, "Now listen and obey." This familiar prompt will bring him to the present task and help him respond. It may even help to say, "Obey Mommy, all the way, right away and with a happy heart."

Shyness may seem cute at first, but it really becomes impolite or manipulative behavior if not addressed and corrected. Many kids will act shy at some stage (key word "act") but they can learn to respond politely. "Shyness" is not an excuse to disobey. Actual inability to engage with people is a different issue and not the case here.

If you find that he refuses to obey these simple requests when you are in an actual situation, lift him up, hold him close and speak gently in his ear, "Listen and obey." Then repeat your request as you hold him. If he answers obediently, say, "Thank you " or "Good job." If not, continue to hold him and speak gently yet firmly in his ear, "Mommy said, to say hello. You say, 'Okay, Mommy.' Now you say,  'Hello' to our guests. You don't need to press it further while your guests are there but if he continues to disobey, you will need to take further disciplinary action as outlined in Chapter 9 of Entrusted with a Child's Heart (book format) and in Lesson 11 of the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart Notebook.

Your son will learn that he needs to obey and that you will call him out for improper behavior. Very likely you will soon see him obeying your training. Be consistent. My husband often says, "You achieve what you emphasize.” Enjoy the learning and training process and he will engage with you!

May the Lord give you success!