How can I encourage my husband to lead our family?

Dear Betsy,

What should I do about a husband who is preoccupied with work? Even when he is at home, he is still busy with many "to do's." Relationships are not "tended to," and relational or spiritual concerns do not seem to be important. He says he has no time to be shepherding us beyond providing the food, clothing, and protection of a home.

I am thankful for these things, and yet that is not all there is to family health. He reminds me that he is not perfect (I remind him I know that neither of us are) and that I have to remember how hard he works for us.

Any suggestions on how NOT to become a dripping faucet while at the same time help him see that we are starving spiritually and relationally and becoming exasperated? He doesn't seem to see that working on these areas are important for healthy family relationships despite my appeals. I feel that I am judged as "too emotional" and "off track" about the needs in this family.

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your question—we appreciate your honesty. Please know that you are not alone. The number one question we get from women (in some form) is, “How can I change my husband?” Ultimately, only the Holy Spirit can change a person’s heart and open their eyes to the needs within their own family. If you focus too much on your husband's need to change, you will find yourself discontent and discouraged.

Remember that every trial and testing of your faith is ultimately from God to sanctify us. Once we decide our lives are about glorifying God rather than achieving an ideal, we can let go of the striving and trust that the Lord is sovereign over all of our circumstances.

On a practical level:

1. Pray diligently for your husband that the Lord would work in his life in these areas without you having to point them out. Your prayers shouldn’t really even be focusing on his weaknesses but rather ask that the Lord’s will be done in your lives.
2. Work on oneness. Communication is essential to any good relationship and clearly this is one of the areas that has broken down. In the Entrusted book (chapters 4 & 5), we talk about living in Understanding & Agreement with each other as husband and wife and learning how to live by biblical priorities. If your husband is willing to read the book together with you and answer the questions at the end of each chapter, I believe you could make a lot of progress toward oneness.
3. Look for practical ways to demonstrate that you are “for him,” which will lessen the tension between you and draw you closer together.
4. Build up your husband to your children. Be sure that you demonstrate respect to him even when it’s difficult.

I understand these things are hard and they don’t turn around in a day. They take a lot of practice, patience, prayer and perseverance but don’t lose heart!

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Galatians 6:9, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”