Taming the Tantrum

Every spring, near the end of our ministry year, I visit our Harvest campuses for "Question & Answer" Day. I appreciate the thought-provoking questions that women submit which are a true reflection of their earnest desire to become godly wives and mothers.

One question that I often receive is, "How do I handle my young child’s tantrums?"

I refer to a tantrum as when a child’s emotion overtakes his reason. We can do much in averting such behaviors by being in tune to our child’s needs, being watchful and staying “connected.” This is the training process that teaches children the proper way to behave, such as to ask nicely for things, obey Mommy, respond to Mommy, and so forth. The goal is to teach our children how to have success by making wise choices rather than by reacting with extreme outbursts.

Yet tantrums will likely still occur. When they do, we must determine whether the child is asserting his will in order to have you meet his demands or whether he is being exasperated in trying to have a need met because he is being overlooked. In addition, there is a third possibility in which I refer to the child simply becoming “undone” (due to lack of sleep or other reasons) and being beyond their capacity to function properly.

Let’s look at each of these three possibilities and how we can respond to our children.

We’ll start by addressing  the “undone” child. Clearly the goal would be to avoid routines or situations that unduly stress or distress the child to the point of exasperation. Very small children (between the ages of 1 and 2 years) may throw a tantrum when they are just "out of sorts," because they are tired or teething and they simply haven’t learned how to behave appropriately. But even this should become rare as you train them to use the proper way to address you or express a need.  Toddlers can be taught simple “signs” at nine or ten months before they can formulate words. This can be so helpful in communicating simple needs.

However, this is usually not the reason for tantrums. In fact, mothers will often attribute their child’s behavior to being tired or hungry, while excusing willful behavior in the child that needs to be addressed.

The second area is the exasperated child who is unable to express a need. Make no mistake children need to learn to behave properly, but very young children resort to extremes in order to get their parent's attention when they are troubled. In these cases, simply holding the child for an extended period of time, talking to them, encouraging them, and yes, instructing them on proper ways to behave.

It may be difficult to see beyond the extreme behavior to the true need for comfort, security, and understanding that the child is unable to express. But stay connected and seek to find their underlying, true concern.

These behaviors are also more on the rare side and not to be confused with our last category: asserting his will in order to have you meet his demands! This type of “tantrum” is the tantrum that makes Mom want to hide in the rack of clothes at Target or cover her head with a bag.

The bottom line to this tantrum is that the child throws a tantrum to accomplish a desired end. You have to figure out the desired end and make sure that you don’t give it as a reward for the behavior. In other words, the tantrum must not work or you will be training the child to throw tantrums. You must recognize that a child will always resort to this behavior if it works for them. In fact, even teens will throw tantrums (without lying on the floor) if they learn that it works!

Click here to read the second half of "Taming the Tantrum."