Help for a Child Acting Aggressively?

Dear Betsy,

I took Entrusted last year and was so blessed by it! I have a three-year old son, who is very strong-willed, and also the most fun-loving, creative child. We are dealing lately with him being aggressive towards other children…hitting, shoving, etc…  He has a lot of trouble with self-control and when he is in a situation where things are not going his way, he will shove or hit.

My husband and I are spanking for this when we see it, as well as if we hear a report after children’s church or Bible study that he has done this in a classroom. It seems like we have not seen much progress in this over the past few months. Sometimes I feel so discouraged and don’t want to take my son out for play dates, because I don’t want him to bully other kids, and frankly sometimes I feel like a bad parent, when other parents see his aggressive behavior and don’t understand, because their child’s an “angel." :) Do you have any suggestions for us?

Seeking wisdom…

Dear Seeking,

Some children are more strong-willed while others have a more compliant temperament. If your child has an especially strong will, he will need consistent training (in obedience) and discipline (correction for disobedience). As parents of a child with this type of temperament, you will also need an extra measure of perseverance so that he learns to submit his will to yours (and ultimately to the Lord).

It sounds as if you are doing many of the appropriate things so the answer may be perseverance. I often tell young mothers that there is a mathematical formula for just how often you must repeat the same response to disobedience.

In this formula, “X” will represent the number of times that your child exerts their will over yours (in cases of Defiance/Disobedience/Danger). “Y” will represent the number of times you need to be willing to respond with discipline and the Full Circle (Entrusted with a Child’s Heart pp. 210-212, 249.) You must be willing to respond with Y one more time than he is willing to do X.  That means he has submitted his will to yours and no longer attempts to defy you in this particular behavior. So the formula could look like this:

Y >  X

(This concept is explained further in Entrusted with a Child’s Heart on pp. 284-285.)

When a child learns that you will consistently respond to his disobedience in a specific way, he will eventually learn that this behavior is no longer “working.” He will learn that if he engages in this behavior 5 times, Mom and Dad will respond with discipline and the full circle 5 times (or more if necessary). If you are persistent, the child will eventually get the picture and submit his will. Obviously, this takes a great deal of intentional parenting. And yes, it is easy to become discouraged when you don’t see progress over time. But take heart according to Galatians 6:9!

You might want to address this at other times, when you are not in the “heat of the moment” and role-play a bit with them. This can be very helpful if you (and your child) are beginning to feel like you are often in a disciplinary mode. Be willing to take all the time it takes to truly teach and instruct him about the idea of the choices he is making (shoving, for instance), as opposed to the “right choice” (wait his turn, or share, for instance). Teach him how to respond appropriately — with good manners and kindness — be sure to praise his efforts, and rewind the day at bedtime with “The Story of Today” (see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart p. 272).

Also talk with your child and ask him why he is doing these things. One little child I know got in trouble at a play date for hitting another child. When his mother was helping him get into his pajamas that evening she noticed a full set of teeth marks in his shoulder. This was hours later! But no one had asked him why he hit the other child and he never mentioned it. Aggressive behavior must always be addressed but sometimes we fail to get the full story.

If you observe that your child is acting aggressively, do your part to give him the best possible scenario for success. In other words, is he rested, fed, and feeling secure in the situation? For how long and how often is he in this environment? What conditions overwhelm or exasperate him and how can you minimize them? Is he observing/learning aggressive behavior in any other context? While we don’t want to “excuse” aggressive behavior, we do need to be considerate of what our children can handle according to their level of maturity.

You must work diligently with your son so that these behaviors are managed. But let me encourage you that your hard work will surely be rewarded not only now but also in the future. A child with a strong will can go completely haywire as an adult if his will is left unchecked. But by the same token, if through diligent parenting they have learned the discipline of self-control, they can become exceptional adults who can accomplish much for the Lord.

“These words which I am commanding you today shall be on your hearts. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”  Deuteronomy 6:7

“In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23

For further discussion on this, you might also refer to the recent post by a mother whose child started ”swatting.”  It takes more than words to train our children; it takes time, energy, work, and sacrifice…  but it is all worth it!

Press on, dear one.